BG and VG, a Spoilerific Family Guy Expose

Before starting this article, I would like to say that I'm sorry for being absent for so long; I've been under a good deal of pressure during my freshman year of college but have finally found time to make a decent post, at least, I made time for this subject.

I once enjoyed Family Guy quite a bit. It was a funny and clever comedy in it's early years and I adored the characters: a bumbling drunk Peter, an intellectual Brian, a megalomaniac Stewie, etc. But as time went on the show and the characters took on a negative spin, becoming less funny and more brutal and mean spirited. Peter became a selfish, violent man-child, Brian became a liberal buzz-kill, Stewie became an uninspired stereotype of homosexuality, and so on. Add to it two more series and a movie with equally flat, despicable characters and bland cutaway jokes and I was convinced this was all Mr. McFarlane could do and that was all I needed to see of his work... I was wrong. Turns out, Seth does have balls and can break his formula in rare circumstances in very unexpected but very meaningful ways. I warn you, what follows is a huge spoiler and unless you've seen last Sunday's episode or had it otherwise spoiled to you by a careless or overly cynical newscaster I would recommend avoiding this entry entirely and in particular the following sentence and the video accompanying it to show I am not bullshitting the audience.


Brian Griffin was killed off in yesterday's episode of Family Guy. Permanently killed off.

Like I said, Brian was once a major draw to the series for me. In fact, he was once my favorite character in the whole series. But, as the show aged and characters were Flanderized into oblivion, many a fan turned their back on the Griffin Family dog. Many fans agreed with Quagmire's angry rant in Jerome is the New Black, and I was one of them.

 He had become pretentious, even for me. And his liberalism was not only extreme but almost never played for laughs (if you bring religion or politics in to comedy, you better be ready to make fun of them). Still, when I found out he died for real, I felt a strange mixture of sadness and relief; sadness in memory of a character I once respected and relief that his character could no longer be subverted into the twisted non-joke that he was. Also I commend McFarlane for doing something even serious shows are often reluctant to do in killing of a major, tenured character for real. and that's why the movement to bring him back sickens me. Many fans now want Brian to be brought back from the dead despite the show explaining that time travel and faked death are not options. I call this the Micheal Jackson Effect

Or Whitney Houston, whoever gave you love-hate boners the most. Basically when an infamous person or character dies, all sins are forgiven and that person or character becomes a sacred angel and people immediately wish they didn't die so they can go back to hating them without looking like assholes. Well, there's a petition out now to bring Brian back and undo the events of the episode. I won't link to it, but feel free to sign it if you hate emotional writing and character development.

You see, Brian dying was one of the most meaningful things Seth has ever done in his writings.  He heard his fans complaints and instead of defending them chose to retire the character with dignity (well, mostly dignity) and give the show a bit of a new dynamic by introducing Brian's substitute, Vinnie.

What's so great about Vinnie? For one, he looks like Drippy from Ni No Kuni:

and that is amazing. Second off, he's voiced by Toni Sirico from the Sopranos, and a lot of his jokes (REAL JOKES!) remind me of Goodfeather's skits from Animaniacs. Then there's that he's 1/16th Cat (thus a literal pussy-hound), he's an actual criminal, his introduction to the Griffin Family hearkens back to McFarlane's original concept for the show seen on Cartoon Network:

and that the episode ends with him and Stewie bonded over simultaneously losing pet and master recently, and this becomes a character I hope stays with the Griffins as long as they see prime-time. Though Brian will be missed, the series can carry on and perhaps see new comedic potential without him.

What Good Music Does to a Person

Music, like many arts, is a combination of human communication and emotion that has played a pivotal role in human evolution and culture. However, there's something about music that bring about rapid change within a human being, almost like a metamorphosis: songs with scare chords automatically trigger primal fears, while sad songs can ironically improve negative moods. But what I've found is something special happens when you hear a song that will become your favorite. Impulses are triggered, habits are interrupted or outright changed, even the entire focus of one's tastes can change in the space of three to five (or twenty maximum for some European bands) minutes.

For the Sake of Example, I will be using Wake  Me Up by Avicii. feel free to substitute it with any song you personally like. (But since this video inspired this entire segment I feel obligated to point out what a beautiful metaphor the tattoos are for nearly every marginalized group ever without ever going into specifics.)

So without further ado, let's get started:

Change #1. Said Song will inspire immediate action of some sort.

This is especially true for upbeat songs,but otherwise span nearly every genre from classical to dubstep.

If the song is a dance number, your first instinct is to dance in time to it. If it's a love song it will inspire ideas for dates/courting/fanfic writing. If it's a song of self-realization (featured above) it will inspire either self-reflection or a long midnight drive with no real destination. The list goes on; but otherwise this goes unnoticed until the individual has unlimited access to the song via Youtube, itunes, hard copy cd/records or a team of minstrels

Change #2: You will listen to it almost religiously for awhile.

Admit it: you're singing along perfectly to whatever favorite song you picked to listen to while reading this, right? Well by the time you finish listening to that song repeatedly within the first week of discovering it you should be able to sing along to it and recognize it by the first half note from what I've seen. We make up a lot of excuses for it: We want to know the lyrics, we want some background noise, we're synchronizing the song to a montage of pickles, the list goes on.

In modern times, with the advent of the internet and many variations of musical style, some fans will take a variation where they listen to the same song in many different forms. These often include:

Gender-swapped:

8-Bit:

AMV and/or PMV:

Acoustic version: (if the song was not acoustic already):

Weird, Fake-piano version:

Heavy Metal remix:

Audiosurf version:

And of course the eloquent format of  Mario Paint:

And by now you've all likely picked one or scrolled passed them all, thus we continue onto our next point of change.

Change #3: You will learn to sing/preform that song if you have any musical talent.

Like I said in the opening paragraph, music is a form of expression and, like many other forms of expression, people generally shamelessly quote it as a form of emotional or verbal communications. George RR Martin does this in his Song of Ice and Fire books well; using songs such as The Bear and the Maiden Fair, The False and the Fair, and particularly The Rains of Castermere, as forms of foreshadowing and even as part of the setting itself. For a real-world example I present one final video: I apologize to any of my readers who now hate this song, but as I will be discussing it below, I recommend you watch at least this one video: 

Look at how much emotion and force this guy is putting into this cover: with every note he adds another minor gesture or expression that builds to the last draw of the bow. He isn't just playing the song: he's feeling it.

So what does this mean for musicians who play covers? My hypothesis is this: the more you like a song, the better you will sound when you preform it regardless of baseline talent level. Which brings me to my last point...

Change #4: You will Judge other songs based on that song/
Everyone likes comparing and contrasting things; after all, even people who have never heard Avicii before this post can agree that it outperforms several songs that came before it or will come after.

But if you really like a song, enough to listen to it a thousand times and learn a new instrument just to play it in public for money, it will work to influence future tastes in music. For example, why do I like Wake Me Up? Probably because it sounds a little bit like what my father would have listened to when he'd take my family on interstate road trips; and in turn future songs that sound like Wake Me Up in some other respects will spark my interest just as quickly as it did. It's almost like musical telephone, where one's style develops over a growing playlist and every rising bridge raises your standard of musical tastes.
So all told, if you hear a song on the radio that makes you want to do stuff and listen to seven different ways, you may be on the cusp of a musical revolution.

How to Fail at Being PC

I shall start this post by saying the stupidly obvious: Political Correctness is on the whole a good thing. Society is just now coming off a millennium-long bigotry binge and every one racist or misogynist still in existence is one too many. I was raised that judging others based on skin or other innate features is not only amoral but also the lowest form of ignorance, on par with rolling around in fish guts and swan-diving into the local alligator pit.

That being said.... It's a delicate balance a lot of the time. what may be potentially offensive from an outsider's perspective can be totally innocuous or even admirable to said offended party; and sometimes the "corrections" only draw attention to the already overplayed differences and can have a horrific reverse-effect. For example, please reconsider your PC shift if:

The Group you are Trying to Protect Tells you To Knock It Off
This is more common than a lot of people think: some concerned bleeding-heart liberal takes offense at a non-white character that they perceive as an outright racist caricature only for said non-white group to come to the character's defense; either stating they don't mind one way or another or that they appreciate the  cultural recognition. This is common with sports teams based on Indian tribes and anime shows that feature what would be to them funny foreigners, but the most famous case involves Warner Brothers in the 90's. Keep in mind that they were trying to atone for this:

So the knee-jerk reaction of "Hide ALL the controversy!" is perfectly understandable. Son they started by locking monstrosities like the above video away and releasing them on the occasional special-edition set whenever no one was looking. They also decided to take reoccurring stereotypes like Porky Pig and Speedy Gonzales off the air to ensure no one would ever be offended by the Loony Tunes again.... Only for Latino viewers to gripe about missing their favorite Mexican mouse.

As it so happened, a lot of Spanish viewers admired Speedy's wits and ability  to outsmart "the gringo cat" (I will accept this bit of counter-racism in good humor, considering the circumstances of this blog post).  So when Speedy made his return in the Loony Tunes Show, not only as clever as ever but as a successful business owner with a kick ass Cadillac, the crowds went loco.

When Your Change Changes Nothing
There are instances where the word "man" is gender exclusive and wont for change: Mail man, for example. Mail carrier not only acknowledges that women work the role as well but is a bit more descriptive on top of that. However, please keep in mind that another definition  of "Man" is a general term for the human species in general.  As such, changing the phrase "manhole cover" to "Sanitation worker's hidey-hole" or some such nonsense is far from a relevant change.
But not as bad as this example from the book "Who Stole the News". In it, A news reporter was chastised for his terminology of using "blow a man overboard" on an aircraft carrier and was told to use "person overboard. You know, on a ship that just so happened to have an all-male crew and just so happened to be practicing man overboard drills.

Nice try, overzealous femnazi's, but the term Man overboard will stay so long as Merriam-Webster still publishes dictionaries with that secondary definition of the word "man"

When Your Attempt to Quash Bigotry is in Fact More Bigoted.
Portland Oregon is an amazing city; full of amazing coffee shops, thriving art culture and pristine schools. Mind you, pristine does not always mean rational or moderate. And seeing as Oregonians have as much of a social stigma against racism as most states in the deep south have against worshiping Satan, it is only natural that someone would find something totally mundane to claim as a symbol of racial oppression. However, nobody but nobody expected the new sign of the KKK to come in the form of a Peanut-Butter and jelly sandwich.

I wish I could say I was kidding.... but the principal of Harvey-Scott K-8 school did indeed use this pre-K comfort food as a lesson in tolerance of other cultures.  Her justification was and I quote, “What about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches? Another way would be to say: ‘Americans eat peanut butter and jelly, do you have anything like that?’ Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.” Which is all well and good if you're you're doing a high-school introduction to world studies lecture on food, but if the intent is to say it in front of the melting pot that is a Washington-County primary school the implication suddenly becomes "Non-white people will never eat food outside of their culture, so do not bother to share your Pb&j."
It may seem like I'm over blowing this, but once elementary schools in the North West get in on this sort of logic, they do things like have a lesson plan on celebrating Hanukkah with the one Jewish kid in the entire school (mind you, I was killer at dreidel. No real regrets.)

So I can only imagine what the lesson plan looked like at Harvey-Scott:

Teacher: Alright kids, going along with yesterday's Pacific Educational Group's briefing we're going to talk about something something no doubt foreign and scary: The White Man's Breakfast
*clicks to a slide of a typical Kellogg's complete breakfast.* 
Now, Americans tend to eat "processed cereals", like those funny rings in that bowl up there. You may know of something similar in your home such as grits, rice balls, tortilla- Jasmine, what is that in your mouth?
Jasmine: *sheepish* a sandwich...
Teacher: Don't you remember what we talked about yesterday? You'll make yourself sick if you eat foods your body isn't used to having culturally. I'm excusing you to the office when we're done here to call your mother and have her bring you some Popeye's instead. *sighs* anyways, this is usually accompanied with a protein such as bacon and eggs, although eggs are popular as huevos rancheros in Latin america, most eastern cultures prefer vegetarian options such as sweet beans or tof- Rashad, is that SUSHI?!
Rashad: What? I like fish.
Teacher: that's not the point! It's not meant for you if you weren't raised with it!
Rashad: But I've been living next to this restaurant since I was three!
Teacher: ... I'll let it slide today, but I expect to see Shwarma on your desk next time you are in this classroom, you hear me? Gah, where was I? Oh yes, onto drinks.... Americans, being the consumerist beasts that they are, will drink no less than two drinks at breakfast: a glass of orange juice, and either milk or coffee depending on age. the American caffeine addiction is central to american li-  Koizumi, why is there a FUCKING COCA-COLA on your desk?!
Koizumi: Because double-standards make me thirsty.
Teacher: Dammit, can't you children see we're trying to save you from gentrification before we live in a world without self-contained reference pools?!? This is the biological equivalent of dropping a nuke in your stomach! Have you no Japanese pride Koizumi?
Koizumi: I believe Japanese pride was a contributing factor to that incident you are referncing, not gentrification or soda. Also, would you please stop using my surname when you call on me; I've never once heard you call me Steve in class, or is that name too hard for you to pronounce?

So at the end of the day, we're left where we started: Speedy still wins the day, men are still entitled to their holes, children still eat pb&j and drink ramune indiscriminately, and all the while real racial issues fester in both america and the rest of the world. Perhaps if we stopped nitpicking on little things and instead chose to reach out and say "Hey, beneath some minor bullshit factors, we're all the same." We wouldn't need to sort through the PC that needs to exist and the PC that we laugh at on comedy blogs. But hey, that's just an idea...

Rumor Has it He's the Hog You're Leaving Us For

So recently I'm on Facebook, derping around with pictures of Toilets Marrying Women and Grumpy Cat judging the future king of England when I came across an interesting discussion held by my pop-culture high friends surrounding a writer and director named Dave Polsky. Now, Dave's worked on animated powerhouses such as South Park, Pucca, Rugrats and even My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

He is Personally responsible for this scene and this episode. He also wrote the first two Scary Movies and Produced The Buzz on Maggie; and soon, according to said half-rumor-half-preview discussion, he will be the proud creator of the latest Sonic the Hedgehog Cartoon known as Sonic Boom

According to Dave, the show will star Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Amy Rose and will focus on comedy. Whether this will make the show more accessible to new audiences or alienate people as Teen Titans Go alienated fans of the edgy original is yet to be determined.

However, this information raises a treasure trove of questions and possibilities for our favorite blue-bipedal-speed demon: will Jaleel White reprise his role as Sonic or will a comedy show starring Steve Urkel as a blue rodent finally be acknowledged as the most ridiculous concept known to man? Will the show feature on the Hub and thus canonize the speed-feud between Rainbow Dash and Sonic, or even build upon it including Pinkie and Amy placing respective bets or Knuckles and Big Macintosh begrudgingly marking the finish line? And if not, what channel dares take the mantel? Nickelodeon? Cartoon Network? Kids WB?
[NOTE: in the event that Kids WB does obtain the rights to Sonic Boom, it is advised that you burn your televisions to cinders and avoid all instances of SEGA products for the next thirteen years.]
Will Sonic Boom employ the same levels of mythology gags and shout outs as My Little Pony, or more physical humor and puns a la The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog? Will this show be the revolution SEGA needs to pull their mascot away from teetering on the brink of irrelevance back to his rightful place as a gaming legend? Will we finally find out what that THING was at the end of Sonic SatAm?

Well... there's my answer.... in any event, Sonic Boom is coming at we're gonna hear it before we see it.

Don't Expect a Focus....

Greetings and salutations to anyone willing to read this blog. If you are expecting another blog that riffs on horrifically awful fan-fiction well... feel free to keep visiting the Pocket Dimension of Horrible Fanfiction. I promise I will continue to work with Johnel to rifle through misspelled crossovers, insane My Little Pony self-inserts and Mary-Sue laden Zelda crack fics.

That said I plan to make this blog a touch more... informative. True, this will still for the most part be a comedy blog and I will not hesitate to throw in a good pun or make a joke at a politician or game developer's expense if I feel it fits; however I will try to have a subject for each post backed by links, pictures, videos and a certain amount of facts. Note how I said each POST, not this blog overall. So don't be surprised if one week I'm comparing and contrasting Game of Thrones with the Ramayana and the next week I'm talking about why the United States Court system needs repair and on the weekend following that I'm covering the finer points of Adventure Time.

However, no matter what odd, slightly geeky subject I choose to tackle I intend to give it the respect it deserves and give a new spin on the subject while adding in a few too many jokes. All Told, Expect a good time.